Miseries of the Sorting Hat
by MnemeMemory
Summary: Oneshot! How much trouble can 5 demigods get into while being Sorted at Hogwarts? (Or: Percy Jackson and co. come to the wizarding world, and the Sorting Hat despairs).


**Disclaimer**: I own neither the Percy Jackson series, nor the Harry Potter series. Feel sorry for the poor student who can't afford to pay for books, would ya?

**Warnings**: okay, so I'm _terrible_ at writing in character, so I apologise for any OCC-ness beforehand. Bad language? Honestly, there's not that much. At all.

Enjoy!

_Transfers_, the Sorting Hat of Hogwarts seethed as he stared out at the crowd of students. _I _hate_ transfers. What is _wrong_ with the Headmaster_? Transfers _never_ ended well (it had taken the Headmaster almost _six months_ to persuade one of the last batch to retrieve the Sorting Hat from the Shadow Realm).

"Would you please give a warm welcome to…"

_Blah, blah, blah_, the Hat muttered to itself. _It's the same thing, year in, year out. This'll make four transfers in as many years. Surely Hogwarts isn't in _that_ much trouble_?

"On loan to us from a special friend of mine…"

_Where do all these people _come_ from_? The Hat thought despairingly. _Surely the Headmaster doesn't have _that_ many friends. And why are they all so _destructive_?_

"Please welcome the demigods of Camp Half-Blood!"

_This isn't going to end well_, the Hat mourned.

Five people came forward, dressed in – of all things – battle-armour. They marched through the middle of the four tables, impressive and intimidating.

Until the one in the front fell flat on his face.

Amidst laughter, the red-faced boy with messy black hair and sea-green eyes quickly bounced up.

"That brick is loose," he muttered.

"Seaweed brain," a girl with blond hair and green eyes sighed from next to him, whacking the back of his armour. The boy staggered, but didn't fall again.

_These people don't look like they can protect the school_, the Hat fumed. _They are just children themselves!_

"And now, to Sort them!" Headmaster Dumbledore said grandly.

_Just my luck_, the Hat groused.

"Perseus Jackson!"

"Um – just Percy," the boy who had fallen earlier mumbled, ears pink as he went up to the Hat. "We just put this thing on, right?"

"That's right, dear boy," the Headmaster said gently.

"Okay, then." Looking slightly doubtful, Percy Jackson lifted the Sorting Hat and placed it gingerly onto his head.

_Good evening, Mr Jackson, _the Hat said, summoning the last of its patience.

"You talk." The boy blinked a few times. "Sure. Why not?"

_No surprise? That's unusual_, the Hat murmured.

"Stranger things than you have tried to kill me," the boy assured the talking hat.

_I'm not sure whether to be pleased or disturbed_.

"It was a compliment!" Percy Jackson said quickly. "I think."

The Hat grumbled a bit, but went back to Sorting the boy.

_Your courage is tremendous_, the Hat intoned. _Gryffindor seems to be the House for you, m'boy_.

"Really?" Percy said.

_I'm fairly certain. _The Hat sighed. There was something so predictable about putting this clueless, strange boy in the House of – _oh_, _hello_.

"What's the matter?"

_I've changed my mind_, the Hat said.

"Really?" Percy repeated, eyes darting around the nervously. "It's never good when someone changes their mind around me – unless they're trying to kill me. _That_ is when changing their mind is a good thing."

_You've had a lot of people kill you, huh?_ The Hat asked, momentarily distracted.

"Not people. _Never_ people. No, no, it's always _monsters_. I am so _sick_ of going outside the Camp and running into Medusa, or a Fury, or a drakkon. Do you have _any_ idea how annoying it gets having to kill them all?"

_It must get tiring_, the Hat said sympathetically. It understood _exactly_ what this poor boy was talking about. The monotony of having to do the same things over and over – and _knowing_ that it wasn't going to end well – was tiring. The Hat itself had warned Dumbledore – how many times? – that transfers to Hogwarts led to nothing but destruction and misery, but almost every year the Headmaster dutifully ignored the Hat's wisdom and decided to go ahead and give them a chance anyway.

"I just want one _normal_ year, you know?" Percy whined. "Just some time with my girlfriend, get back into the swing of life. No more of this prophecy stuff!"

_I understand completely_, the Hat assured him.

"But I can't. Because the gods decide that, no, saving the world isn't enough – now I've got to go help save some _other_ world that I didn't even know about!" Percy puffed out an annoyed breath. "What's worse is that I've got to drag my friends into it as well. They've already gone through one war – we don't need another!"

_You poor thing_, the Hat sympathised. _You know what? I think I was right the second time. You're perfect for _"HUFFLEPUFF!"

Percy grinned his thanks and took the Hat off.

"Annabeth Chase!"

The blond walked up the stairs and stared at the Hat curiously, poking it.

"How do you work?" she asked, putting it on.

_Inquisitive one, aren't you_? The Hat mused. _Though brave. Of course, I suppose that's supposed to be expected. I've heard that demigods are all incredibly reckless – excuse me, I mean _courageous_._

"I'm sure you do," Annabeth said dryly. "But I think you got it right the first time."

_I think we can rule Hufflepuff out. While your boyfriend is loyal to a fault, I believe that you have far too different a temperament to fit in well there_.

"Thanks," Annabeth rolled her eyes.

_Please don't take that the wrong way!_ The Hat pleaded, suddenly realising how that could have sounded.

"I'll let it slide," Annabeth promised.

_Anyway, while I believe you have the ambition and the cunning for Slytherin, I believe that your personality would grate there, as well._

"Got that right. I've found some of the larger ones…_annoying_."

The Hat didn't ask. It had found that, with transfers, it was safer not to ask.

_So it's between Gryffindor and Ravenclaw, then._

"Guess so," Annabeth tilted her head to one side thoughtfully, causing the Hat to almost fall off her head. "Sorry. Anyway, I've been reading up on the Houses. Ravenclaw is probably the best place for me, I think."

_You are incredibly intelligent, Ms Chase. _The Had acknowledged.

"Then it's settled?"

_Thank you for being so cooperative_. "RAVENCLAW!"

Annabeth hopped gracefully off the stool and made her way over to the cheering Ravenclaw table. Her armour glinted in the candle-light, and the Hat noticed a few of the male population giving her admiring glances.

_That's going to be a problem_, the Hat thought worriedly. Then it dismissed the worries from its mind. _It_ was going to be locked away, safe, in the Headmaster's office for the next year or so.

"Grover Underwood."

The Hat watched curiously as the only person there _without_ armour limped forward on crutches.

_Hello_.

"Hello," the boy said, tapping his fake-feet nervously.

_A satyr, huh?_

"Uh-huh," Grover nodded. The Hat could feel the satyr's horns poke into its fabric, and it hissed uncomfortably.

_Lord of the Wild_?

"That's me," the boy nodded. "It's nice that I'm finally getting a break."

_Slytherin is out. Your ambitions are high, what with wanting to save the Wild and all, but – in all honesty – they would rip you to shreds. _

"Yeah. Annabeth said something similar."

_You would not do well in Gryffindor or Ravenclaw. Perhaps – I think you would do well in Hufflepuff, with your best friend._

"Really?"

_You are brave – brave enough to follow your friends underground, into the Labyrinth – but it is primarily your loyalty to your friends that led you to such amazing acts. You were frightened, but you stood beside them. _

"So, Hufflepuff?"

_Yes, I think that is best_. _Good luck, Mister Underwood, in_ "HUFFLEPUFF!"

The badger table cheered wildly – none more so that Mr Jackson, who was clapping the loudest. The Hat watched its good work with satisfaction.

"Nico Di Angelo!"

A skinny boy sporting black hair (and an equally black scowl) marched up to the Hat and jammed it on.

"Let's get this over with," he muttered.

_Such a complex mind…hmm…_ the Hat would have tilted its head (if it had had one).

"Wait-wait-wait!" Nico said, sounding downright panicky. "You're going through my mind?"

_Of course. How else will I find what House will best fit you?_

"Slytherin!" Nico insisted quickly. "I'm short and have a bad temperament and wear black all the time. How does that _not_ scream Slytherin?"

_I don't appreciate you insulting one of my Houses_, the Hat sniffed disdainfully.

"Just put me in Slytherin and be over with it," Nico sighed.

_What is it with all these people who think they should be in Slytherin_? The Hat asked rhetorically. _I think it's a crying shame – _especially_ when that's exactly the last place they want to be. Slytherin is a _perfectly nice House_, dammit! The people I put in there are intelligent, charismatic, ambitious and scheming!_

"Like lawyers," Nico said. "Or politicians."

_Exactly! _The Hat was pleased. _Someone gets it! Now, you don't _belong_ in Slytherin because you are almost none of the things listed things above_!

"Wait one damn minute!"

_I thought you didn't want to be in Slytherin?_

"You can't just go around _insulting_ people like that!"

_Young people these days. Don't know what they _want_ anymore_, the Hat muttered.

"Just put me in Slytherin!"

_No_, the Hat said stubbornly. _I don't think I will_.

"Why not?" Nico practically snarled in exasperation. "Because I can assure you, you are _not_ getting into my mind!"

_Then I'll just have to use the information I've grabbed from your friend's minds_.

"This ought to be good," Nico muttered. "I'm just the kid without a big sister, right? As if _that's_ enough to Sort me,"

_The little kid who lost his older sister…no, no, that's not what they think of you. _The Hat had the gall to chuckle at that, and Nico chewed his lip in anger. _They think you're incredibly brave – if a little moody. They think that, although you can be scary at times, you're one of the best people they know. They all adore you, Nico Di Angelo_.

There was a short pause.

"Grover's the one who thinks I'm scary, isn't he?"

_Yes_.

"Knew it."

Another pause.

"Chosen yet?"

_Oh, yes. I think you're going to fit in well with _"GRYFFINDOR!"

Nico's mind went completely blank with surprise, and for a single second the Hat saw the secret he had been desperately trying to protect*.

It didn't comment, however. Its job was to Sort. Not to pry (most of the time).

"The last demigod we have here is Thalia G–"

An arrow mysteriously sprouted on the Headmaster's podium.

There was an instant uproar, as the last figure – a tall girl with stormy eyes and a silver band encircling her head – slung her bow back over her shoulder.

"Say my last name ever again and that won't be a warning shot!" Thalia shouted out defiantly.

"Of course," Headmaster Dumbledore said, eyes twinkling.

"Good." Thalia stalked towards the Hat.

_Good evening, Miss – Thalia_, the Hat corrected hastily at the red blanket of rage that swept over Thalia's mind.

"Never – _never_ – use my last name. Understand me?"

_I understand, Miss Thalia_, the Hat said politely.

"Good. Then let's get down to business," Thalia tapped her combat boots against the stool. "I'm hungry. I shudder to think about what Percy's going through; I swear, his ADD is worse than mine. He's been sitting still for hours on a train, and all of us have almost committed murder multiple times. We had a _plan_."

_I understand, _the Hat said gravely.

"Good. Now put me somewhere and be done with it."

_Very forward. Very true. You gave up a mortal life so that you wouldn't be the prophecy child?_

"Yeah."

_That's incredibly impressive_.

"Not particularly. I don't have any real attachments to the world,"

_Not Annabeth? Not your friends_?

"What is this? I thought you were supposed to Sort me, not re-hash out old regrets."

_I'm trying to get a feel for your personality_.

"How's that going for you?" Thalia asked. "C'mon, Hat, I'm hungry!"

_Patience is a virtue_, the Hat scolded.

"Whatever. I'm a Huntress – virtues are for mortals and men," Thalia said dismissively.

_So callous. You don't really feel that way, though, otherwise you wouldn't be here._

"I'm _here_ because my Lady _ordered_ me to come."

_You are here because you care about people. You want to help them. Like you wanted to help Luke. To help Annabeth_.

"That was a long time ago."

_That is what I am basing my decision on. Your willingness to help others, your willingness to not be the victim, your willingness to rise above your fear – this is all why I'm going to put you in _"GRYFFINDOR!"

* Read House of Hades, people. I'm not going to ruin it if you haven't (though I'm pretty sure if you've been on the internet any time since the book was released, than you'll know what I'm talking about).

**Author's Note: **Four! I've actually completed four (of course, they're just oneshots, but still!). And people have actually reviewed my other work! (Almost cries in happiness) I spent, like, ten minutes just staring at those reviews; I was so surprised (and delighted). Thanks so much to everyone who commented! You have no idea how much that means to me. Okay, Next Year: Maximum Ride

By the way, someone asked about the timeline…this AU is so screwed up that _anything_ or _anyone_ is going to come in and mess with the poor Sorting Hat. Ideas would be appreciated!


End file.
